Coping with COVID-19

[Music] I'd like to welcome everyone to today's special event coping with Kovan 19 simple skills to calm your mind with emotional coach Georgia Anderson today's program is hosted by the myeloma coach program I'd like to thank our generous sponsors bristol-myers Squibb adaptive bio technologies and Takeda oncology a few things before we to note before we begin if you haven't yet please get at your self paper and pencil or a journal something to write in for today's webinar we'll be using the chat feature for you to respond to questions that our presenter asks you as this is an interactive event any questions you have for her please submit those in the Q&A section we'll have about 10 to 15 minutes at the end for any questions so I'd like to start with a few introductions I am Rosalyn Hite the director of the myeloma coach program I'm joined with Jenny ahlstrom the founder of the myeloma crowd and of health triin and what Jenny and I are pleased to introduce Georgia Anderson have a picture here but it's not gonna work so we can all see here Georgie Anderson is presents based learning presents based leadership coach Gottman trained relationship educator and board certified massage therapist she founded know how mom calm in 2015 after decades of educating families she coaches and teaches simple skills anyone can master for strong connections and personal flourishing Georgia lives in Salt Lake City with her husband Marc and is the proud spoiler of 13 grandkids she loves to kayak ski hike and surf and Jenny and I are grateful that she's willing to serve us today and spend some time with us so with that said I'd like to turn the time over to Georgia thank you so much Rosalyn and it's been such a pleasure to meet you I've known Jenny for years I love her work I'm so grateful to be a part of this today mm-hmm when I bring up my slides I want to mention the artwork of Caitlin Connolly which I'll be using heavily today she's a local artist here in Utah her artwork explores the relationship we have with ourselves and others and I think you will love it I think you will find it rich and insightful and I hope it brings some new ideas and thoughts to your mind I'm so grateful to her for letting me share it with you so one thing I want to be sure you know before we start and that is that I'm not here to fix you I'm also not here to tell you how to fix yourself my commitment to you today is to say just share some simple tools and ideas and experiences that maybe can open your heart and encourage you to bring your whole self to these situation that we're facing right now and I want this Albert to be a very safe place if you find at any time that something feels like too much for you please stand up and stretch go get a drink of water do what you need to do to feel safe and comfortable here so I want to begin with a story a few months back on one of those days is when we used to mill casually around the grocery store I was million casually around the grocery store and I came around the corner and witnessed a scene that might be pretty common to all of us this frazzled red-faced toddler was begging a parent pretty emphatically in to tantrum mode for a treat or a toy I don't know which and you could see the child was really gonna use every tool they could to get what they wanted I passed by the parent kind of nodded knowingly saying you know we've all been there I wanted to give her encouragement that she could get through it and I went on my way kept shopping and a few aisles later I came upon these people again only this time the parent was kind of red-faced and angry and they were kind of threatening the child to stop misbehaving or else right the child's demeanor had also changed they were a little bit quiet a little bit scared and I found that blood was rushing to my face that I was started starting to feel like I wanted to protect somebody in this situation either one of them you know I think we've all seen that situation before I didn't know whether to look away and ignore them or to want to kind of sweep up their attention so that they could get some space from each other and so that they could calm down and be reasonable about the situation right so having raised four children myself I had a lot of compassion for that parents when they were outside of their heads because I had certainly been there of myself plenty of times and having been a child in a large family I certainly felt compassion also for that child or when the situation is out of their control and they don't know how to manage it so imagining that you can visualize something similar to this the same scenario because it's very common have you ever had similar feelings when you feel when you see someone experiencing discomfort or pain I'll bet you have and I'm wondering if you would type into the chat box and I'm hoping I can see your answers something that you think maybe that child needed in that situation some of the things that I think that child might have needed was some compassion they might have needed food they might have needed sleep they might have needed someone to hear what they were feeling someone to put an arm around them and help them feel safe what does that child need patience comfort here we go an app validation understanding thank you keep those coming food for sure a break I love these thank you okay well you're writing I'm just gonna share my screen now they needed control of themselves yes they needed to feel in essence of control and they may have needed discipline in my in my world as a parent educator discipline means teaching so if they were able to be taught in that moment yes reassurance that things will be okay great thank you so much okay so now I want you to join me in another scenario one that maybe you have lived or are living today right now in this pandemic situation one where you might feel a little bit out of your head like the toddler in the store you may not be flailing and throwing your arms around but your brain may be feeling a little bit out of control or at a loss at some points here and there I wonder if you look through that list of the things that the child needed if they might be similar things that you might need in the current situation and if you have anything to add to those things some things you might need in that situation unable to touch your hug others that I care about right okay so today I want to share with you some of the single most effective and valuable tools we have two calming our minds when we feel like the tantrum toddler in the store only in a different scenario which is maybe what we're experiencing today and that is the ability to be kind to ourselves this ability is different than numbing our pain which is a numbing behavior is usually a behavior that we use to hide our pain or cover up our pain I'm really good at eating lots of chocolate chip cookies to numb my pain or going silent to numb my pain that's not what I'm talking about I'm talking about a different form of kindness and self kindness that really is effective in dealing with difficult situations as well as toddlers in the store so I call this self compassion and self compassion is simply this it's treating yourself with the same kindness support and care that you would show to a really good friend so we're actually already pretty good at these things because we've developed this skill when we care for other people right we just need permission to treat ourselves in the same way it's learn about it just takes practice and it's something that culturally we're not very comfortable with so I want you to take a deep breath for me right here and sit comfortably in your chair or wherever you are and really feel your feet on the ground and I want you to imagine we're sitting in a movie theater together or you can watch your own movie in your mind now you to imagine that you are witnessing someone showing compassion to someone else or something else in the face of great difficulty so as this beautiful painting represents showing compassion to a pet or an animal that's out of sorts or to a good friend or to someone who has made a mistake so we're watching this movie in our mind I hope you can see the movie that you have in your mind it could be a schoolteacher it could be someone on the street and I want you to now take stock of what's happening to your physical body as you see that scenario in your mind and if you would type it in the chat what is happening to your heart rate what is happening to your musculoskeletal system what is happening to your breath even as you look at that painting if you don't have a movie that you can conjure what happens to your physical body isn't that amazing what happens to us physically when we see that that I'm looking at your answers and all of those answers remind me of good help they remind me of being whole being happy being peaceful beautiful thank you I want all of those things the inside smile I love it I want all of those things in my life as much just I can possibly have them and I imagine you do too so as human beings we're born both resilient and fragile right so now in the chat I want you to think of ways that a newborn baby is fragile how are they fragile they can't speak they have very weak Nicks they need others for food they're dependent desperately needs someone who loves them yes all these things they are very fragile in these ways okay okay now I want you to switch your mind and I want you to think about a baby and ways that they are resilient I'd like to start with a way that they're resilient and that is in making the journey through the birth canal okay so a baby is extremely resilient in this very first opportunity it has to come to the earth by making it through through the birth canal they also have very soft bones that don't break and crack easily which is a good thing and they have little siblings and want to love them what other ways are they resilient they're very trusting they're adaptive they let yes they let you know how they feel and they do not hold back do they they learn incredibly fast they're able to sleep and relax right and be where anywhere in the middle of a wild party okay these are beautiful they're adaptive forgiving they're free with their emotions they allow their emotions to come great wonderful okay so by learning to infuse ourselves with healthy doses of self compassion we can learn to be resilient in our fragility just like a newborn baby and in doing this we can boost our immunity we can become more resilient when things don't exactly go our way and we can learn to take the kind of action that will really help us instead of reacting in habitual negative ways and not only that the more compassion the things that you're typing in this chat the more loving care and compassion we give to ourselves the more we're gonna have to give to others and who doesn't want that this pandemic this time in the world is a scary and valuable time for all the parts of us the resilient and the fragile parts to recognize where we are in relation to our fears and our anxiety even in the face of uncertainty which is something every single one of us has to be experiencing to some degree right now it's possible to hold gently and kindly to those fragile parts of us it may not lead to perfect health or smooth sailing but I know through personal experience as well as by learning the research but it's better to face challenges with courage and clarity and confidence and to lead with the parts of myself that are scared to associated or impulsive and habitual so the more my whole self I can bring to any challenge or cry the more opportunity will lie in that experience I'm gonna share with you the research of Kristin Neff she has developed a test for self compassion which is used all over the world in thousands and thousands of research studies she breaks down the elements of healthy self compassion and what a practice of self compassion looks like the components are pretty simple the first one we've already talked about it's treating yourself like you would treat a friend what do you do when a friend is struggling what do we when we notice we are struggling do we do the same thing as we do for a friend or do we say I shouldn't feel that way and we put ourselves down it's pretty common for us to do the second thing so the first key she mentions is to treat yourself as you would a friend and that is a practice okay the second thing is that she invites us to see that our struggles are not just ours I mean that we have our own struggles but that everyone in the world struggles that suffering or trouble is part of the human existence I used to be a volunteer doula a doula is a birth assistant and I was a volunteer doula up at the University of Utah when they were training us they reminded us that we would often feel inadequate in what we were doing and how we were going to help this woman who was suffering and going through something very difficult and they said you will you will often feel like you're not sure exactly what to do and they shared a study with us that had been done where women who were laboring were separated into two groups and one group was just going through their labor as they typically would with the medical personnel and maybe their spouse in the room and the other group was told that they had the very same thing except that there was another woman in the room who had experienced childbirth as well she would be behind a curtain she wouldn't do or say anything but she would be waiting there in the room with that woman who was delivering and going through labor the study showed that labor times decreased deliveries were easy and recovery was better even when the doula did nothing she sat in the room behind a curtain being with that woman who was going through something difficult so when we realized that we're not alone we can move more easily toward our suffering and experience it knowing that someone is with us that everyone has struggled or is struggling with something difficult the last thing she says we need to do is to have presence with what is happening as it's happening the word emotion connotates motion emotions need to move through us and in order to let them do that we need to be able to name them and allow them they don't have to rule us they don't have to take over it just needs space they need motion they need ability to move through us so we need to practice being with our difficult emotions so that our whole self can then work with that difficult emotion the most most psychological suffering there is a common denominator and that is self-criticism it's being hard on ourselves that might look like saying I shouldn't feel this way or why am i safe when someone else is hurting or I should have taken better care of my food storage or my toilet paper storage or my health or why is this happening to me why am I the chosen one who's suffering all of those things can take away our ability to show compassion and be with ourselves in a difficult moment so that we can use a difficult moment to our advantage not that we would want suffering but the fact is suffering comes to everyone and pain comes to everyone so I love this thought by real key where he says let me not squander the hour of my pain let me allow it let me know that it's part of being human and that I can use it in some way to learn beautiful print by Caitlin Connelly I actually own and it's in my personal study it's titled she became herself with tears when I was at a six-week checkup for after having my second baby my obstetrician miraculously discovered a tumor in my neck I was twenty five years old I was in a brand new city I had very few friends close friends or family because I was pretty new to the community I lived in and on top of that I had all the emotional ups and downs of postpartum and I really didn't understand self compassion I have been taught my entire life I was raised by you know parents who lived through the depression in world war ii and i was very much taught to pull up my bootstraps and get through hard things which I really appreciate that lesson that they gave me but I was a living example of dismissing pain and sorrow I tried to soldier on with those two little babies a two year old and a six weeks old infant and what turns out were three malignant tumors in my thyroid I remember the anger I felt at my body for betraying me at that point I was overwhelmed with the needs of these two little tiny humans who demanded a lot from me at that time and at the same time I did not want to appear weak or needy for them or for anyone else and needless to say after a few months after the surgery to remove the tumors and I tried to keep a stiff upper lip and carry on and live my life as normal without much help I found myself one evening in fetal position on the couch when my husband came home from work I had completely betrayed my pain I had ignored my grief and my body was finally sending me the message that enough was enough that moment was a wake-up call for me it's taken me years to learn the lessons and to even appreciate what I had experienced at that time I wish I'd known about this research then I wish I'd had the skills at that point but in truth it was a beginning for me to start getting educated and then sharing that with the world and even though my healing and consequences of time took way longer than I would have liked I wouldn't trade the lessons I finally learned for all the help in the world so we are going to do Cristen Neffs self tests on self compassion so it's time to pull out your piece of paper and what you're going to do is rate yourself on each of these questions from almost never is number one and almost always is number five so quickly just read the question put the number that first comes to your mind and just put one number after another we'll be adding them up later so just go ahead and write all the numbers down when I see three Dunn's in the chat then I'll know that I'm gonna move on okay so if you're finished right done and when I see three or four I'll move on okay so I have one more screen of questions and just be aware that this one almost always is number one and almost never is number five so continue your writing the numbers down you okay so the next thing you're going to do is add up all your numbers and divide your total by 12 and you don't need to type it in the chat this is for your own information well once you add up all the numbers divide your number by 12 you're gonna have something between a 1 and a 5 and you will have your score for the simple self-compassion test so a 5 would be your doing really well at self-compassion and a 1 would let you know that you could use more practice using the skills that we're going to talk about next in order to raise your score and your life satisfaction so that's just kind of a ballpark and you know your score could change day to day so don't think it's a absolute but it's something that you can think about as you move forward right so that you kind of have a ballpark of where you are all right I'm gonna change my screen I hope you've got if you want to take a screenshot that you can and so okay I'm gonna move forward all right so we're going to spend the rest of our time together in some how to's and I hope you'll find something here that resonates with you in these simple short exercises they're like a scaffolding there's hair to help you create a recipe for yourself so it's not that you have to do what I share with you and maybe you'll find something that you tweak a little bit but I'm gonna share with you things that are widely practiced and known to be helpful so the first one is awareness knowing that I'm really struggling right now or being aware of your feelings and being able to say them out loud so the practice for this is simple a simple breathing exercise that I used in presence based coaching for this I want to ask you to please put your pencil down and really sit comfortably wherever you can if you can have both feet on the floor that would be great I want you to put both feet on the floor and feel your connection to the earth the earth that's always changing and shifting and yet holds us with grounded gravity gives us security feeds us food and notice if you could imagine you have roots that go down into the ground into that earth with the gravity you're provided now I'd ask you to take a deep breath deep into your belly and if you would imagine breathing from the top of your head to the tips of your toes through the length of your whole body I call this breathing into your dignity the essence of who you are takes a lot of breath to breathe from top to bottom just a lot of you to fill breathing into the essence of who you are the essence of who you brought with you when you were born into this world your personality your body type breathing into that for the next few breaths I would ask you to breathe into your width side to side ear to ear shoulder to shoulder knee to knee little toe to little toe hip to hip breathing in to the whole width of your body breathing into your sense of belonging your sense of belonging in your body your sense of belonging in this group who is here together today your sense of belonging in the space you take in your home and those who might be there with you your sense of belonging in your community breathing side to side into that whole side to side of your whole body it takes a lot of breath in and out to breathe side to side then finally I won't want you to breathe front to back tip of your nose to the back of your head front of your chest to the back of your back your knees to the back of your knees front of pelvis back of to pelvis front of your toes to your heels and in addition to that breathing into your depths I want you to imagine that you have a big dinosaur tail or a dragon tail that's thick and it goes out the back side of you and it rests on the ground as a third leg inside of that dinosaur tail is all the experience you bring to this moment your trials your triumphs your pain your joys every piece of experience that you bring to the here and now breathing into that fundamental self-sufficiency that makes you who you are breathing into your depth I'm a firm believer that when we are present with ourselves top to bottom side to side front to the back we will bring ourselves into a place where we can make better choices that will benefit us rather than reacting with possibly negative habits of behavior and learning to breathe and breathe well is the essence and the beginning of being able to do that I'm hoping that you're feeling something different than when we started that exercise and I'm going to ask you in the chat in one to three words one two or three words because you may have more than one feeling to describe what you are feeling right now regarding your current personal situation now I know that requires some vulnerability this situation around kovat it could include your help and kovat it could what be what you're feeling right now after doing the breathing exercise but any feeling that you are experiencing in the in the last save 24 hours if you could be in touch with that feeling and bring it here putting a word to an emotion is a valuable piece of awareness feelings buried alive never die they stay inside of us unless we allow them to move through us you might notice that you're not the only person who feelings who's feeling is expressed here now there's very few feelings of people compared to how many people there are in the world here but I'm seeing repetitive feelings right from everywhere from refresh to anger those feelings are duplicated by someone else in this space so it's so interesting to note that regardless of what we are feeling someone else in this is also feeling that in a different way in a different situation so this feeling that struggle and challenges are part of life and feelings of peace and calm and gratitude and serenity and those mixed feelings of gratefulness with fear all of those things are common it is normal for us to feel all of those things in fact this next painting by Caitlin Connelly so beautifully exhibits that we can hold many feelings at the same time and you are not the only one experiencing that mix of feelings compassion is actually a mixture of feelings it's a mixture of sorrow and joy it's also a way to take care of yourself and others so very rarely do we just feel one feeling it's a mixture of feelings and being able to hold those feelings with compassion is a skill that we can develop alright the third step is to bringing to bring kindness to yourself and this is maybe one of the most challenging steps for a moment let me see how we're doing on time I want you to journal what you would say to a friend I want you to imagine the time you're feeling pretty good about yourself and you have a friend who is struggling in some way they might have come upon some kind of financial misfortune or health and misfortune or they may have failed at something they were trying or they may just be feeling generally inadequate or putting themselves down if you were to write two or three sentences to them what wouldn't you say right I did go ahead and write it down if they if that a friend were in the room with you and you were going to say those words that you're writing to them what kind of a tone do you think your voice would have as you spoke to them what would your posture be like in your body if you were to touch your friends put your arm around them or do something physical smile or wink or whatever you would do physically what would your touch be like what tone would it have now I want you to imagine that the person who's suffering is you and how would you do in doing those same things for yourself how would you treat yourself in that difficult situation there are some simple physical things that we can do that contribute ourselves like we would a friend and they may seem really awkward at first but one of the most simple ones is to put your hand on your heart and I challenge you to try that right now to put your hand on your heart and imagine that you're putting your arm around a friend or holding a pet that you're comforting another way that we can physically be kind to ourselves is to practice aspirational poses picturing a statue of of what we would create if we were going to create a statue about how we want to be treated or how we want to treat this other person create that statue and imagine that you are becoming that statue for yourself another way to show compassion and kindness is to create a safe place that you go it could be a rocking chair it might be a beanbag chair or a special place in your home where you go to show kindness to yourself and let go of the cares and putting yourself down it might look like stretching yoga tai chi taking care of your personal hygiene better nutrition being kind to yourself in all of those ways so self compassion is a non fixing agenda instead it's a presence based agenda to see clearly and honestly what is to make space for reality and then to compassionately compassionately hold it so that it can eventually transform us there's no force needed only space awareness and kindness for example when the pandemic happened and really became a reality and I cancelled my whole life of travel and work and service and experiences that I was planning with my family parts of me felt guilt like I'd been unprepared as far as again I saved my food storage and home storage and that I'd let others down because events were canceled and parts of me was feeling a lot of fear because I'd been sick for three months before the pandemic hit I'd had mono and I knew that my immunity was not good and parts of me were kind of relieved because I was already good at social distancing I'd had to be in my room for three months pretty much and I knew that I had a chance to do things differently and I'd already practiced a little bit so I don't know the outcome of all this current situation for me and how it's gonna affect me completely but I do know that if I hold all those feelings and parts of me with kindness I'm going to experience more love and peace and have a clearer head to make good decisions so many of the things that you typed in the chat when we first got started I want you to try one physical kindness exercise and again I want you to put your hand on your heart and I want you to think of the part of you that is suffering through this situation where we're in right now in whatever your personal situation might be think of that part that your hand is on that that part in your heart and then Kristin Neff encourages us to do something that might feel awkward but that is to smile at your heart and I don't mean like literally put your head down but to think of smiling and put a smile on your face and smile at that part that is suffering as you do it breathe into your length the essence of who you are into your whip into your doubt and see what you you notice as you smile at that part that is suffering you the idea here is to transform our moments of pain into experiences of love connection and peace to hold those feelings as you would a tiny child knowing that your emotions Kate they really carry the same fragility and resilience as a newborn baby and as a final meditation would you think these words with me to yourself may I be safe may I no no peace may I live my life with ease may I be safe may I no peace may I live my life with ease may I be safe may I no peace may I live my life with ease thank you for doing some self-care by showing up today and I think now we may open it up to a few questions so I'm gonna stop sharing my screen and come back to ROG's I don't have any questions yet in the Q&A if any of you have specific questions for Georgia go ahead and type those into the Q&A section at the bottom of the screen I think everyone's just reveling in the handout that's so helpful I'm so calming and I know that I've been taking copious notes and have learned so much maybe if there's not a question I will just share what an idea that I heard recently from David Keller who's an expert on grief and he was talking about what we're experiencing right now as a form of anticipatory grief so we don't even really know many of us unless we've been affected directly by to the pandemic which we all have in some way is because we're worried about what will happen he calls it anticipate ory grief and he says though often where we're grieving ahead of time because we're grieving more than we may even have to because we're anticipating grief and he says that's a good emotion to be aware of as you are practicing self compassion that maybe it's not even at your doorstep at this point and realizing that I'm I'm grieving the anticipation of something difficult happening grieving the old normal yes yeah that kind of goes with all you did to get a question I think we could all relate to that because that and we're all anticipating something and just a fear of the unknown so many different emotions would you have a question how do I keep calm when I get unsure news so I would take myself through the same steps in the moment the very moment when you're getting the unsure news it's good to take stock of your breath at that moment because we can quickly spiral into our heads so often we're living our lives from here up we're living in our heads when really our body gives us more honest communication than our brain ever will our bodies will not lie they will give us good information so the first thing I do when I hear difficult news or I find myself about to start a fight with my husband or whatever I'm about to go into an old habit and a habit of a fight flight or freeze of protecting myself I think about my breath I first go to my breath someone mentioned that the toddler in the grocery store needed a break I also am practicing in my life when I need a break so that I don't respond reactively to a situation to difficult news I used the breath as a break I used that as an opportunity to get my body connected to my brain and I might need to take a break before I respond to what's been offered in that situation hearing the news and getting a grip on reality what is reality right now what is really happening in my life am i safe at this moment most likely yes am i functioning most likely yes do I have people who love me most likely yes so all of those things I try to take stock of I take a mental break and maybe a physical break before I come back to the situation so that it doesn't overwhelm me someone else in here asked how can I calm my mind before sleeping to get better sleep I have several ideas on that one thing I'm pretty good at is sleeping yay it comes pretty well to me and it may be because of all my theater training I was actually trained in theater and then I became a massage therapist and now I would have become a coach so my theater training I had no idea how much that would help me in my life in in unsure times because we had to learn real a lot of relaxation techniques in theater so that we could free our voices and free our bodies to do what we needed to do so something some rules I have for myself I try never to read the news or the phone late at night I can keep that off limits I stretch before bed because so many anxieties of the day so many worries in our minds get trapped in our body especially when we're still learning to practice coaching those emotions through us allowing them giving them words and giving them a space so learning to stretch my body and then to practice something similar to that breathing technique that I shared with you breathing into my length my wit and my depth coming back to me and not letting the whole world encroach on my sleep because sleep is about renewal sleep is about your brain renewing and your body renewing and in order to do that you've got to come back to you and not let the whole world go to bed with you not all the worries of the world and all the concerns for tomorrow and the anticipatory grief that's not allowed in sleep sleep is a time to process and refresh so bringing myself back to me and loop in keeping the world out is one of my go-to zhalong with those breathing exercises here's another question for someone asked how do I allow myself to share how I feel without feeling guilty of causing concern in others so one way I do this with my husband because he's very concerned about me and he's also a problem solver he's an executive so he's solving problems all day long at work and it's in his habit nature to solve every that comes along quickly so often when I want to share a problem with him I don't want him to solve it I just wanted them to listen to me so I've had to become self-aware I've had to become an advocate for myself and to take responsibility for myself and even not allow him to take responsibility by saying something like honey I need to talk to you about something I'm feeling but I really don't want you to fix it I really just want you to hear me and I've you know he's been into enough of my classes and coaching that he knows active listening skills so I asked him to just do them even though it seems kind of mechanical to him it's not in his nature I asked him to do that ahead of time we can it's okay for us to do that it's okay to ask for permission to talk about how we're feeling and to ask someone to just listen to us and to let them know that I really don't need a fix here I just want someone to talk to it would that be okay the meeting that goes along with that is well Georgia but it's a little different someone asked how do you deal with those feelings of anxiousness anger and sadness when loved ones are acting in ways that put them at risk with our current situation I feel you on that as well and having experienced that and I have to come back to the only person I can control is myself I can ask in a positive way I can share my needs in a positive way I can share how their behavior might be affecting me but in the end I have to know that I can only control myself so if they're living in a way that is threatening me I may have to take action that protects me otherwise I want to be very clear and say it in an i statement you know I'm feeling uncomfortable I have no idea what your situation is I'm gonna make one up in my mind I'm feeling uncomfortable with you going out to the store over and over again when I'm feeling very very vulnerable here because I've been said and it would mean a lot to me if you would limit your outings to the basic essentials and maybe we could work on that together and find out make lists and find out what we need and only go out when we absolutely have to so it would look like sharing how you feel about it in an iMessage placing no judgment on them telling them what you need and then if necessary taking action to do what you need to do to stay safe yourself okay great how about two more questions Georgia lime from the Q&A and then I'll take one from the chat but so one in particular for myeloma patients a lot of myeloma patients are on dexamethasone a steroid and it physiologically causes irritability and this particular person said that causes them to fly off the handle when someone typically their spouse pushes their buttons I says I they say I try to isolate when I'm on decks to avoid the overreaction is there some other way to deal with this it's a great question and a great challenge I'm assuming that your spouse also knows that you're on this I recently had to go on the steroids for a little while when I was really sick and had to mm-hmm get it through a presentation and things I had to do and I noticed the same thing happened to me on the steroids that I I was flying off the handle and I was really emotional and I kind of made a deal with my husband at that time he we both knew what those steroids could do our doctor was clear with us that it could cause that so he knew that I was going through that right and I asked him to be patient with me and I also did what you described I set up more isolation from myself and ways that I could allow those feelings to be expressed so I didn't have a lot of physical energy but I spent more time at that time writing I spent more time when I could physically exercise to physically exercise in a way that was appropriate for me to get some of that excess energy that just came from the drugs out but I think really this awareness piece for everyone who's involved the family members that are with you to be open and clear about the situation not to not to pretend it's not there and knowing that it might be the Dex talking it's maybe the steroids talking it's maybe something else and when there's that empathy or the situation I think we can all deal with it also another really important aspect to this is repair you know none of us is perfect and especially when we are on some kind of a drug that alters who we are or we're going through something that alters really changes our emotional state repair is our best friend we can always go back and say you know I don't think that was me talking I think that was the drugs and I want you to know how sorry I am if that hurt you anyone can accept that I I really you know even though it's hard repair can make all things better and that's what we're here for we're here to learn how to repair and get better to fix a broken a tired muscle and make us stronger so don't underestimate the ability to blow it and then repair that Georgia can we take time for one more if you want to yes and if you need to leave thank you for coming well go ahead and do one more this is great and with that last question I thought of what you said with self criticism as well and just being gentle with ourselves and individuals that are on decks and being gentle with yourself and using these tools today to just exercise compassion on yourself because it is such a hard thing one last question because I think this would benefit all of us how do I quit thinking that I have to always be positive outwardly about my condition hmm I saw that in the chat thank you so much for asking that what does it benefit the world or you if you are constantly rainbows and sunshine what if we are constant only rainbows and sunshine I want you to think about this globally have you ever heard the poem the tree that never had to fight for Sun and sky and air and light never became a forest King but lived and died a scrawny thing look up the tree but never had to fight and memorize that poem because without the parts of us that they're hurting the parts of us that are suffering losing our cool all of those negative emotions and if we're not able to live fully and wholly in our lives and accept those things as part of life just like Kristen may have says to accept that suffering and pain are part of our common humanity it's part of what makes the tree go strong and tall then we're missing out on half of life we're missing out on the beauty that suffering and pain has to offer so maybe it's a shift in your paradigm about what life really is about the tree that never had to fight just become scrawny it never has to struggle it's okay to share our pain and our sorrow as long as we take responsibility for it and don't let it squish down in our body and explode sideways in other negative behaviors so honoring our pain and our suffering with dignity I think is a wonderful gift not only to ourselves but to our world Thank You Georgia I I just want to thank Georgia for spending time with us today and thank all of you for joining us today I hope that you found some tools that you can find helpful I know that I have I I was just thinking it's like we're all soldiering through right now and just pushing and I feel like George's words are so wise and so timely to allow us to have compassion with ourselves and to develop the resilience that's within each of us so I just can't thank you enough Georgia well thank you you give us some great things to do and to think about so it's great that we're acquiring these skills because I think we'll continue to need them I I agree this is just a challenging time and I want to remind everyone I think many on the call are aware of the coach program but I just wanted to remind you about the myeloma coach program that is here to offer support and resources that personal connection that we need and if that's a tool that would be helpful to you please go to myeloma coach org and also if you have suggestions or questions any suggestions of additional topics that would be helpful for you during this time please email us email us at info at crowd care org and we'd love to know what would be helpful information to you to support you during this time and and moving forward we're all in this together and we're here to help thank you thank you so much [Music]