Good evening from here. I'm due for my 3 month blood test and 3 month results. Now whilst I am not too fussed about the blood test (even though I freaking hate needles still), I ALWAYS get nervous whilst waiting to be called in by my consultant. Granted as I put last week or a few weeks ago she is great, but it still doesn't change how I feel. So I get in there. She is sat at her computer screen and honestly there has been a few times where I swear my brain tricks me into mishearing what she says. She has always said about the results being perfect but at least twice I imagine she says that the beast (it's what I call myeloma) has returned. I'm literally sat there shaking before she gives me the results. Maybe it has left me with PTSD or something but honestly it is so confusing. The first time it happened I left and went into the waiting room and my cancer nurse came out and asked if I was okay. And she reminded me that the results were good and that I was still in remission. To say I was confused was an understatement. I never fully know how I'm going to feel until that morning but as it gets closer towards it after my bloods are taken 2 weeks before I feel my attention span starts to go, I phase out so much more than usual. And then on the day I'm a wreck inside. I don't show it on the outside often. How the devil do I deal with this? And does anyone else ever feel like this?